Last year I got married to my beautiful wife, K.
I’m from Ireland, and she’s from The Philippines. We’re both in our early thirties, and we love each other dearly.
But boy are there some questions I wish I’d asked and some things I wish we’d talked about before we tied the knot!
Don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely zero regrets and I would do it all again in a heartbeat, but trust me, if you’re going to marry outside your own culture, you’d best straighten these things out, because they will come up later, and then you will stare at each other like alien creatures with several foreheads and wonder what the issue is and why the other person doesn’t understand your perspective.
Talk these things out before they become an issue. Then make the decision based on what’s best for both of you.
Here we go….
Gender Roles
Coming from the Western world, I was accustomed to thinking that helping out by washing dishes after dinner and doing a bit of housework would make my wife happy. You can imagine my confusion when she got angry at me and frustrated by the fact that I was ‘in the way’ and ‘not doing it correctly’.
Yes, that’s right, I was being chastised for doing what I thought my wife wanted and what I’d heard my mother and sister wish their husbands would do for them at home. It turns out that in my wife’s culture a man doing housework is unacceptable, and he is expected to do no more than a few things in a marriage: provide, protect, entertain and advise.
I took the opportunity to never have to do housework again with open arms, but I advise anyone entering a marriage with a Filipino spouse to have a serious chat about what is expected from both parties. Never assume that what flies in your country flies here. That’s rule number 1 on the list.
Ask: What is a man expected to do in a marriage? What is a woman expected to do? What happens if you violate the rules or fail to live up to them? Yes, you’ve got to ask these things you would take for granted by marrying in your own culture.
Family Order & Living Arrangements
Again, coming from the West we learn to be reasonably independent from a young age. We are given choices, advised, and generally told to make it on our own after we leave for college or enter the workforce. What then happens when we start our own families is largely our own business.
Not so in The Philippines.
I quickly discovered that my wife’s family expect to be informed of, involved in, and party to virtually every decision we make of any consequence. This deeply frustrated me to begin with, and I admit on a few occasions I wanted to tell them to go and leave us alone.
I’m thankful I didn’t, because the perspective they provide and the different way of seeing things and how they should be done is invaluable and extremely enriching. I personally value gathering different perspectives and analyzing things from multiple angles before deciding on something, but for those who would interpret this as interference or an encroachment on territory, this could cause serious problems in a marriage.
Another shock I got was that when we got married my brother-in-law moved in with us right away. I was gobsmacked and astounded, and I admit a little miffed. I interpreted this as my wife not wanting to spend time with me alone, whereas my wife intended it as someone to help us out with the stressful times ahead with a new baby on the way and me not having a clue where I was or how to even order a sandwich in the local language nor being able or willing to drive on the insane roads here.
As it turns out this move has been immensely helpful, but it could have blown up in the first weeks and months, and if you’re going to be living in your spouse’s country, it’s best to check what the family set up and living arrangements are, and again, never assume it will be the same as home or that the gestures mean what you think they do. This equally applies if you’re husband or wife moves to your country.
Ask: Will you live together without others? If not, who will live with you? Will you be expected to help out with the extended family? In what ways? Will your parents in law live with you as they age? These are all things worth checking and talking about because we can have vastly different expectations in regard to family life and how it should unfold.
Taboos and Norms
If you met your spouse in the Philippines you should already have a good idea of what’s cool and what’s not. If like me, you met your spouse in a third country you both lived in and moved here later, you will be utterly clueless and totally mystified, and will probably cause your spouse some embarrassment as you learn the ropes.
This can be a very entertaining thing, but it can also be annoying and can put stress on you both. Whereas we in the Western world we tend to question authority and ‘just because you’re older doesn’t mean you’re smarter’, in The Philippines questioning an elder in the family is an unforgivable sin and you’ll be seen as an ignoramus if you do it.
This is something you will need to suss out for yourself. Be aware of it going in if possible, and try your best to accommodate it without sacrificing your own values and individuality. It’s a tightrope walk at times, but it has to be done for your loved one and you would expect the same in return.
If you’re going to live here, then do as the locals do, but it certainly helps to know what that is to begin with!
Money
Yes, you knew it was coming, and it is one of the most important factors of all. Money is one of the leading causes of divorce everywhere and before you enter into a legal agreement with someone whereby you will be sharing financial assets for the rest of your life, you need to straighten out expectations and boundaries with the green stuff (it might be yellow, blue or even purple in The Philippines).
In some countries it is customary for both spouses to work and make a financial contribution throughout their lives, whereas in others it is much more the norm for the wife to stop working when there are small children in the equation, for a much longer period of time than you might be accustomed to in your home country.
Likewise, in some countries a spouse will be very understanding if her husband or his wife can not provide temporarily, whereas in others you will be expected to do whatever it takes, right down to leaving the country and working somewhere else where you will not see your children for extended periods of time, to put the bacon on the table.
You’d better talk this out up front. I lost my job once and my wife nonchalantly suggested I go and work in Ireland while she stayed here. I almost exploded at the thought that she found it acceptable for me to be apart from my son as he grew up, until I paused and realized that here in The Philippines there is a massive culture of overseas foreign workers, and while not quite the norm, it is both common and acceptable to have one spouse working in another country and sending back the finances to support their family. Again, those assumptions will get you!
Ask: Who’s going to earn what? What are you expected to contribute? At what times and in what circumstances is it OK not to contribute? Will you be expected to contribute to anyone else in the family? Will they be expected to contribute to you? All of these things need to be asked because you’re going to have to deal with them eventually.
Time
Time, you say? Yes, time!
You won’t realize this until you have children together, but even if you’ve been expatriated abroad for close to a decade like myself, the intensity with which you miss your family and friends back home is probably going to increase when you have kids.
If you live in The Philippines and are close with your family at home, it’s going to be hard for you when you see your little one bond with and have experiences with his or her family. Yes, it’s wonderful, but you’re also going to think about your loved ones back home and how they’re missing out.
You might even begin to feel guilty or sad about this.
You need to figure out where you’re going to spend your time and how to divide it up. This, of course, is going to cause a lot of distress to your spouse’s family if you decide to spend several months at home since you’ll be yanking a key feature of their lives away from them for a while. You need to find ways to communicate your intentions and make sure both your spouses family and your family understand the rules of what’s going to happen going forward and how everyone can be part of the kids lives.
There are real practical elements to consider here, as well as people’s feelings. How much will all this travel cost? Who will foot the bill? How will this affect your budget and financial plans for the future? Can anyone help out if they have expectations or demands and expect you to meet them? Ask these things now, and you’ll be thankful you did later.
Summary
A cross-cultural marriage is one of the most challenging, yet rewarding, escapades you will ever endeavor upon. You will be tested to your absolute limits, learn something new every day, and ultimately go to sleep at night probably more confused and mystified than you were the day before.
Yet, you will be richer in experience, wiser, and altogether better off for it. While the challenges are many, the rewards are equally great!
I hope this has been a helpful guide to cross-cultural marriage in The Philippines. It’s only the tip of the iceberg, and there’s a lot more to it than the above, but these are the basics and it’s best to get them out there in the open from day one.
You are the lucky one, friend – Mine expects me to do some housework and other chores but of course it is never ever done right. Its like we do everything twice
The one big mistake that almost everyone seems to make is Not doing your homework before getting seriously involved with someone from a different contry/culture.
I agree with many of your comments but when you discussed finances you failed to address who manages the money. My wife tells me that Filipino women manage the money but in a western culture like the US it can go either way. Many couple do it together or the man will in many cases control the purse strings.
I will admit that marrying my wife almost 10 years was the best thing that I have done. We have purchased a house near where she was raised and I will retire there in a few years. Life is good!
Another question might involve eating durian and dried fish. Our house smells for 3 days after she and her friend(s) feast on these Asian ‘delicacies. LOL
Haha…good one! I laughed…Doug S
My mistake was in not doing this homework before entering marriage. My head was too much in the clouds to think about some of these practical matters and boy, that was a sad mistake. But about doing dishes–when I visited my fiancée in the Philippines I helped by putting away the dishes, at which no one showed any misgivings, and after she was here in the States as my wife I went to help her do the dishes, and the dirt hit the fan. I was so surprised by her negative response, and that, at my gesture of kindness and helpfulness. If any of you are thinking about marriage, think twice, especially if you marry outside of your culture. Be prepared in advance.
One word of advice, which many of you have probably already considered, is to know well your intended spouse before marriage. Do not presume that, because you are getting along well in the courtship stage, you will continue to do well throughout the marriage. In long-distance courtships it is difficult to come to really know your fiancée or fiancé, but take your time. Spend time with this person when around family and friends and watch interactions. See your intended one early in the morning, when the guard is down and pretenses have not yet been put on for the day. Let this person be around you enough to start treating you normally, and observe how he or she treats you. Filipinas have the reputation for treating their men like kings, but watch out! This is not always true..
Some very good and so true comments here. I’m married to a beautiful Filipina here in Dallas. When I was single, dated several Fipinas long distance in the Phillipines. All were much younger than I, and dealt with the “Tampo” all of the time. Tampo is the pouting for long periods of time, with no conversation for many hours. You sometimes don’t know what you did. Just apologize for everything and maybe something will stick. Luckily, I came to my senses and married a Filipina my age. We’re saving for retirement, and will be in Cagayan de Oro in less than ten years. We’re going to live like a Queen and a King in her home town. I still won’t be able to wash dishes or make the bed, because I’m in the way and I don’t do it correctly. Good thing that I’ve got a great job. Love the posts.
Myself can relate to this my wife is 49 now been married 7 yrs this dec. I’m number 1 no secrets if we send money it must be needed, we discuss if still not sure her brother we check on the parents like now. He is great and his wife sister in law. But my wife like driving car good driver won’t drive interstate I say not pass wal mart all is good here
My name is Ted and home is in Portland Oregon. I traveled to the P.I. on vacation in 2008 and met Lisa, the woman I married in 2009, She moved to the U.S. the same year but we travel back at least once a year. We bought property near Batangas about seventy miles south of Manila and have nearly finished our new house and the adjacent restaurant. We built it not only as a family residence but as a bed and breakfast business. It’s got 7 bedrooms, a nice swimming river in back and more bananas than you can count. Lisa’s two grown sons live there no with their families. The guys help with the construction while her brother, acts as site boss over the twelve workers and lives there as well.. The heat and humidity are the two biggest objections but the people are nice, the food and transportation is cheap, and labor is inexpensive as well.
Fortunately, I didn’t sell my Portland home. We come back here in summer then return about Thanksgiving. I don’t want to miss an Oregon summer. But the winters here in western Oregon are drab, damp and gray.
To be perfectly comfortable in the P.I. I need to improve my Tagalog and Visaya. But for now Lisa translates when necessary and pidgin Filipino seems to do the job when she’s not here.
What do i miss? Having my own car. Cool breezes, very clean streams and rivers, American newspapers and magazines, speaking to other Americans. But the trade-offs are mostly worth it. Plus Lisa is an amazing and beautiful woman. She is also a great cook, hard worker, housekeeper, seamstress, etc. And the most honest woman I have ever met.
i’m planning to move there in Feb or March of 2017…..met a beautiful woman there and we plan to marry as soon as i arrive……can i get a married visa there in time before my 29 day no visa requirement runs out…i’ll be coming from the united states……i live on a US disability check…but have no savings to speak of….what do i need to know????