For many years, some expats have spread the tale that any and every Filipina is willing to marry a foreigner regardless of his age! It is not true. Of course, there are some who will, seeing the marriage as a financial opportunity but their agenda is not including being a faithful, loving wife. Others actually fall in love with an older gentleman and they see age as only a number, so the large age gap does not come into play.
Many older men plan to marry in the Philippines and many others petition a Filipina fiance through their country’s Immigration so they can marry at home. One common mistake that many of these men make is the opposite of the Filipina attitude. Age is a very important number to the men and they are not seeking a soul mate or a loving wife, who will be their best fried. No, they are seeking a number, an age, between the ages of 21-29! That is their priority and main criteria. Most any will do, as long as they are willing to marry an older man and as long as they are lovely and beautiful. This is the beginning of sitting on a powder keg.
Too Old To Cut The Mustard?
Most younger Filipinas enjoy going out, dancing, singing, having fun, traveling around taking in the sights and living a life full of happiness and laughter. Many Filipinas, regardless of age also enjoy much of the same things. Once the honeymoon is over and the older guy has settled into his usual life pattern, his new young wife realizes that she married a bitter, non-active and boring old man! It takes some work to keep up and not just settling into being a homebody and thinking your young wife is going to enjoy sitting at home being a nursemaid or caregiver. This does not happen over the long haul, in many instances. Probably not in most instances!
I personally know couples who have a 30 or more year age gap between them but they are both still madly in love and enjoy being together as much as possible. One of the main reasons is because the hubby has taken on the youth of his wife and he is really having the time of his life! He has been invigorated and rejuvenated. Hey, isn’t that really one of the purposes of marrying a younger women? No sitting around on the computer for long hours at a time, day in and day out, neglecting and ignoring their wife. Some guys have internet businesses and their income requires they spend a lot of time online, which is understandable, however, they can still take breaks. They can still take their wife out for a good time!
Green-Eyed Monster
Because he is an older man and he has a young beautiful wife, as time goes by, he begins to let his mind become the devil’s playground. At every turn, he thinks his wife is unfaithful or plotting to hook up with a much younger handsome man. And then, the powder-keg is closer to exploding! The wife is often accused of infidelity, the trust is no longer there, the heated confrontations begin to take their toll and it doesn’t take long. I am not saying that some younger wives do not cheat on their older husbands, however, many times, it is all in the mind of the man. The accusations are unfounded and pure nonsense.
Trust should be one of the main ingredients to any long term relationship and it cannot be one sided. Both partners must trust one another. Some ladies think a little jealousy shows that their man loves them because some men do not care what their wives do, as long as they do not bug them! They want to do their own thing and it does not include the wife. Yes, the wives also know that end of the spectrum. “You don’t care one thing about me!”
Age Is Only A Number
This can certainly be the 100% true philosophy and attitude. There is some real truth in that you are only as old as you feel. This is also a philosophy and attitude that I think more men should take on. I have known for years that the age group of 30-40 in the Philippines is one of the most neglected age groups among foreigners when looking for the gem, to be their wife, as a relationship develops. Many of these ladies in the Philippines have established careers, they are highly educated, many have lived and or/traveled to other countries outside the Philippines and due to their maturity level, they have a solid and clear head on their shoulders. They are not a young, inexperienced lady from the countryside, who has never spent time in a city and whose only goal is to marry a foreigner who will take care of her family.
Age gap can be a powder keg in a relationship, if the guy allows it to become an issue, on both sides of the fence, but it does not have to go down like that. I still recall one young lady crying to my wife and I about her feelings were more of being a caregiver and a nurse, rather than being a wife. She said her husband really became old after they married. I guess she forgot that he was 73 when they married and she was only 26!
A relationship requires nurturing and being able to maintain the pace over the long haul. It is something to think about, isn’t it?
I want to hear the comments on this issue. It should be interesting.
I strongly agree . this is the truth .even if love is involved it will not last because of age factor,
if age difference is unreasonable . I personally see the max age difference acceptable is around 20 years. the bigger the difference, the faster the powder keg will explode, for all the reasons mentioned in this bull eye article . the wife is also a human being, with basic needs
even if she accepted(for her own reasons)to be a nursing/caregiving wife.
Thanks for your comment, Ali.
Sometimes I wonder what some people are thinking when they want to engage a 40 + year age gap in a relationship. We knew a couple in Bacolod with a 47 year age gap and their marriage folded within one year.
Have a great day!
~ Gary ~
A good even handed article. I think anyone hoping to meet and marry a Filipina should research and proceed with care. There are lots of younger Filipinas who will make ideal loving wives, and there are some who will be in it just for a better standard of living for them and their family. Some of the second group will make good caring wives, even if they are not in love with their husband, but equally some will be money grabbing and unfaithful.
To take up a comment Ali made, that 20 years should be the maximum age difference: my wife is 24 years younger than me, we met via Filipina Heart at ages 60/35. We have been very happily married for 5 years now.
The thing to be aware of is that if you get together with a young girl in her twenties she may well be quite emotionally immature, and not able to cope with marriage to an older foreigner. My wife had had a hard life, was head of her household following her mothers death,and was a strong willed confident woman.
So be aware, and also take your time, there are millions (literally) of suitable woman to choose from. (Oh, and also check out her immediate family, you don’t want a lot of money grabbers for inlaws)
Paul
Thank you, Paul, for sharing your wonderful experience. I certainly agree that a 25-30 year age gap in a relationship can work and it depends on several factors in both the foreign husband and the Filipina wife.
Maturity level, responsibility and life experience come into play with the bride. I have noticed some of the younger brides in their early 20s, who lived all their lives in the province, act like little girls in public meet ups in the city with their husband and other expats and their wives. At first, I thought it was only a cute act but apparently not.
Right on about the family. Some in laws can actually be outlaws! I am blessed that none of my Filipino family are that bad and overall, I am well pleased with the entire bunch. We are not bombarded with requests for money and no one drops by unexpectedly for a visit. My wife, who worked abroad almost 15 years before we moved to the Philippines, set the limits from Day One.
Have a great day!
~ Gary ~
Gary,
You will no longer have to “wonder what some people are thinking when they want to engage a 40 + year age gap in a relationship.”
I am happy to tell you what I was thinking when I married my wife who is 40 years younger than me. I was thinking that I wanted a compatible, loving woman to share my life.
My wife and I have now been married for 8 & 1/2 years, and life could not be any better for us. I am 73 years old, and my wife is 33 years old. We have a loving relationship, and a bouncing three year old adopted son to further enrich our lives.
In closing my only other comment is that it is not the age difference in a relationship that is important, it is choosing the right person to have the relationship with.
Budd
Congratulations, Bud! Thanks for sharing about your great experience. The couple I referred to had many problems. The hubby was 73, the wife was 26 and both realized they made a mistake. She was too young for him to keep up with and he was too old for her to be happy with. The American hubby also had a serious drinking problem and his wife would wake up to find him passed out on the floor or even on the porch in full view of all the neighbors. That didn’t help!
Have a great day!
~ Gary ~
I have been dating a 29 year old and I am 56. She working abroad as we met and fostered a relationship. We are engaged. So far age seems to be the real issue with my family. It’s as if I’m a dirty old man by my adult children and former friends. All while I seem to be accepted by her family whole heatedly. She wants me. I want her. When we are able to be together we have such a great time. Deep down I know that love is not skin deep. With my age I have passion. With her previous relationships there has been cheating and dead beat boyfriends. Love does not itself see age. Our cultures do. Albeit I am just starting here but based on what I read it appears many have found this new life to be more rewarding. So live, love, and enjoy. Who cares what others think. But I do find thesis stories inspiring. I totally agree with some. No doubt gold diggers abound. But with my girlfriend I do no believe so.
Gary. I am 67 and my wife is 34. We have a wonderful son that will be four on June 12th. My first wife died in 2002 of Cancer and I chose not to date until after I retired in 2009. We had been happily married 31 years in our marriage and had three grown kids(two girls and a boy).I have seven great grandchildren.
I noticed that I was getting lonely after I retired even though my son and his wife lived with me. I met a young Filipina online and we started dating. After many dates and discussions about everything including age difference we decided to get married. I met her family online by Skype and I was grilled about married. I was extremely overjoyed to pass the test and we got married in church were we live in January, 2011.
She had been working in Alexandria,VA as a live in Nanny for a Filipino family that had brought her to the states. Her mother had been the Nanny for the wife and her sister back in the Philippines( My wife’s second family). They were shocked when they found out my age! I was older than them, even though I didn’t look it at the time and they were worried about my intentions. My good health was an important factor in my decision.
Well to make a long story short, we have been to Philippines on several occasions now and I just love it. When we go home (Guimbal, Iloilo), we spend about two months at a time. We have experienced Christmas in the Philippines and I mean experienced. WOW!
It’s been four wonderful years and we find out something new about each other every day. We have talked about moving to the Philippines, but we are still here in the states. When I die, and we all do at some point, I am comforted to know that my wife, son, or grown children will be in good shape financially. Garry
Thank you much, Garry, for sharing your wonderful experiences with your Filipina wife.
We know Guimbal pretty well. We have one niece from that area. We have visited there several times. Our son loves Racsos Wildlife Park in Guimbal and and we spent the night there a couple of times.
Take care,
~ Gary ~
When I came to the Philippines at age 51, about 9 years ago, I dated a women 15 years younger than me. The headaches of her children and past BF (husband) haunted us.
The family were money grabbers (enough said).
An American friend that had been here 22 years told me to date younger. So I tried and found several more money grabbers as I pursued woman for a long term relationship..
Then one day I decided I would not consider age but wait for a woman that showed interest in me. It happened! She was 18, new to the area from lower mindanao and working at a local factory (a lot better than the farm job in Mindanao).
I courted her for months, then she became my GF. Her family was great and really liked me. Then one day, after a year of dating, I realized, that she or her family had never asked me for one peso. (That is the key). After dating for 5 years, we married and now have a beautiful daughter and a beautiful life. She only lets immediate family around me and handles everything, within the budget I give per month. Remember you marry the family too here. So check out the family while dating.
She and her family are wonderful and I realize it is NOT the the age, it is the honest desire for both couples to only want each other and that she comes from a good family. And I work to make her happy emotionally and she does the same in return.
So Yes there are good Filipinas to marry even for an older man. I am 60 now and she is 25 and we are happy and in-love. I have a 13A spousal visa and work legally here in the Philippines and we built our filipino style house as an addition to Mama and Tatay’s house. Simply, happy and loving lifestyle.
So IT IS NOT AGE but the right man and woman.
I would like to add that my wife makes me younger. When I wake at 6:00 am she already has steamed sayote, green beans, carrots or broccoli ready (usually white fish or white meat chicken too) and asks if I would like eggs.
Then she reminds me to do my floor exercise (of situps, pushups, leg lifts and stretches).
I eat and we go for a nice brisk walk. I have lost 50 pounds being with her and eating veggies, rice and fish/chicken (an occasional steak).
We are very active in every way.
I curl 5 gallon water jugs (start low and add as you get stronger) and do dips off the sofa.
Her friends all guess I am 47 and she proudly tells them I am 60. By eating healthy,
exercising and living a stress free life, keeps me young. Thanks to her and oh YES, thanks to our 5 month old daughter. Who is now saying Dada….So If you marry younger, be younger yourself, and enjoy life.
Hi Jim,
Congratulations! Thank you much for your two posts and sharing your wonderful experiences. I am always happy hearing this. Yes, I agree that it is not so much age but the person’s character and maturity level, which is sometimes lacking in the younger women in the Paradise Islands, as well as in other countries.
It is also not only the younger women who can create problems. One guy from UK recently told that he and his wife of 30 years retired to the Philippines and he built a house. Not long after it was finished, he got the boot and she moved in her much younger Filipino BF. Yes, they were married 30 years, so she is not a spring chicken!
Many guys marry an age and the beauty, not the person. She is 20 and beautiful, so she fits the bill! Wrong attitude.You also mentioned dating for 5 years. Some guys marry after only spending a few days or weeks with the Filipina he recently met, so he can’t really know her in that short time, nor can she really know him.
Best Regards,
~ Gary ~
What an eloquent, enlightening, and reasonable article from Gary’s pen, once again. Could that wise expat/mentor ever get anything wrong or half-baked, for once?
When it comes to age gap being a major issue that can foster marital accord or precipitate discord, there will be a lot of stereotypes, myths, and preconceived notions. Tales of both woe and bliss can quickly fill up the comment boxes here. Blames can be liberally parcelled out to both sides, the elderly groom and the young Filipina bride.
Both should get to know each other’s strengths and weaknesses, foibles, eccentricities, boundaries, and world views. They should not rush headlong to where the marriage contracts are indelibly signed. The engagement period should be as lengthy and involved as possible, and the elderly expat should really get to know the local lady’s relatives as though they were lines on his own palms. Passions shouldn’t hoodwink him into making any hasty decisions — it’s actually a life-and-death weighing of risks, consequences, and untold and very possible slew of miseries down the road.
Thank you for your nice comments, Melzon.
Have a nice day!
~ Gary ~
Hey guys I am living in Panama, the simularites between Panama an the Philippienes remarkable. I married a 22 year old woman when I was 38 years old and we have been married now 30 years. I don’t want a younger wife and have to go through all that drama with the jealousy, family, and other BS. I married this woman because I loved her and owe her so much. I didn’t marry a caretaker or a maid and a sex partner. I married because I loved this woman and she has always showed me great respect and has staved off her family when they come knocking. It is about love, respect and support for her and her wishes.
Thanx for the great stories.Will be heading there in June of next year to get things lined up still have three years left to do here at work and that’s it.And Irma is in Dubia till next May.On here contract .Can not believe what those cheap people pay.
The title to this article is: Is Age Gap A Relationship Powder Keg?
My opinion is that it is. or put it in other words the probability of being a Powder Keg is higher.
I may be bias but, when I first went to the Philippines (10 years ago) I found that some older filipino ladies (45-55) to be quite attractive and some very beautiful.
The gap difference between my wife and I is 6 years. She is 52 years old.
She must have been a beautiful lady when she was in her twenties because when we go out for dinner or dancing, the ladies behind the bars make some comments to me about her.
Currently we are not living in Philippines but we go there quite often because she has a house there.
Before meeting her, lots of young beautiful filipino ladies were telling me. “age is just a number.” I said to them you may be right but for me you are beautiful but too young.
(20 years gap) I felt uncomfortable going out with them. Particularly when there were older filipino ladies quite beautiful too.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Felix. I agree with you 100%. Not only are the Filipinas in the older age group still very attractive and beautiful but they can carry on a very stimulating conversation. Many of the younger Filipinas still act like teenage girls, “turn the music up” types. Most of their conversation is only yes and no answers. Most seem to have cell phone activity going on their entire waking hours. No thanks! This is not the kind of relationship I was looking for 12 year ago and from my observation, little has changed over the years among the younger set.
~ Gary ~
I must be in the minority my asawa is 5 years older than me together 16 years 2 kids I’m 41yo now thinking retire soon.
I am 21 years older than my wife and it has only been a problem if I made it a problem. I am 51 now and she is 30. The age gap often seems unacceptable in my own country (Canada) and early on I heard a few rude comments regarding the age of my wife but I just had to ignore them. In the end it really came down to finding someone who I could laugh with and enjoy life with. I have learned that she is incredibly trustworthy and reliable and that any insecurity I felt early on was in fact my own creation.
We have been married five years and have a four year old son. For the first few years we lived in the Philippines and they are now making the adjustment to Canada. She is educated and motivated and (similar to a few other posters here) she didn’t ask me for money when we met. I had no issues helping some of her family members go to school as well as with a funeral and a wedding but if I had not offered to help it would not have been an issue. It just made more sense to sponsor a few relatives to get better jobs long term and help get the family out of poverty for the long run, rather than provide band aid loans for this and that. That could go on forever.
I think the problem with some men is exactly what you said. They look for a certain age and look and not for certain qualities. I knew what I wanted and when I met my wife I had some work to do with her family letting them know my intentions were serious. My wife is younger and gorgeous but also so much more and we wouldn’t be married if she was just a pretty face. Unfortunately, some older men cannot believe that a beautiful younger woman might be interested in them and when they get the attention they are hooked. I have known expats who are treated very well in the short term by their young bargirl girlfriend and in fact many of these women often do treat a man better than a woman back home would, and in many cases dating them is still less expensive. Lets not fool ourselves women in the west marry for money too. The same rules apply. If lust is overpowering your brain you are in for a world of hurt.
My advice is simple. Pay attention early on. If you are dating someone younger and she spends all her time on her phone texting even when she is with you then it will be an even bigger problem going forward. If she is secretive and you haven’t met many of her family and friends this should also be a red flag. Some guys like it when they don’t have to meet a lot of family members but this a very un-filipino behaviour, so while it may be preferable it is a warning sign. If she burns through money quickly this is also a warning sign because it means she will always be expecting more. Lastly, learn to understand and respect cultural differences. Be curious and ask questions and try to to be accepting even of things you may not agree with.There is nothing harder on a relationship that a critical and judgmental expat who jumps to all kinds of conclusions based on limited information and their own ethnocentric prejudices. (i.e. not everything in life has to be perfectly logical and rational the way we like it to be in the west).
I agree with others that the age gap has only helped me to feel younger. I am more motivated to eat well and exercise for my young family and I cannot imagine sitting around dreading getting older and even worse acting like an old man. Aging is normal but how we act and perceive ourselves as we age is really a matter of choice.
Thank you for your comments, Alan, and for sharing your wonderful experience. Congratulations!
I am 18 years older than my wife and we have a fabulous 9 year old son. We have always lived in Asia, so we never heard rude comments about any age differences.
I feel and look younger than my actual age and I owe it to my wife, our son and my attitude, which all come into play.
Best Regards,
~ Gary ~
I’m 61 and my fiancee is now 27. We have been together over a year now living in Mindanao. I arrived here to retire with another lady I had met online but within 10 mins of my arrival I could see that most of her comments were lies. Luckily I have many filipina friends that I met online, yes friends only!! Well I was staying in a hotel in Palawan for several weeks dating and chatting. One lady stood out from the others, she lived in Mindanao and invited me there. I told here I was here already but unsure about traveling to Mindanao lol. Well I decided why not take the chance, I got a ticket called her at 7am and told her my arrival was 9:45, ha ha little did I know she lives 3 hours away from davao city. Well she called her work and came running. We met at the airport, she arrived about 10 mins after me. She was beautiful and young. Anyways after a few days in her hometown with her family, etc, things started to change. I didn’t boast how much my retirement is, in fact I down played it. She has a great job, makes good money and basically said don’t worryy about anything, she makes enough for us to enjoy, wow. What a shocker!!!!. After 10 days well I got scared, made up a story (emergency) and left Mindanao. Ie, scared “it was just to good to be true”. Anyway a week later I spoke with her, we discussed things, this time I invited her to Palawan, she accepted. We live in Palawan for 4 months, the her mom got I’ll. She came home. Finally I said hell I’ll give up paradise (Palawan) to live in the boonies, just to make her happy. We built a home (american style) behing her parents house. We have lived here now for almost 1 year. Currently we are making plans to move (cebu/cavite) basically bcuz power outages (constant) bad water, almost lack of internet signal, shopping (food). Once a month I make a food run to Davao city 3 hours each way.when I visited cebu my 20 kilos of baggage allowance was Hormel chili, etc. Items I can’t find here. We are planning our marriage towards the end of the year, she takes excellence care of me, her family supports us in all our decisions, never requires any financial help, although I did buy mom and dad a washing machine 2 weeks ago, lol? Mom is still watching it clean the clothes, it was worth the money just to see her expression while washing. Anyway the age difference in our case makes no difference, we are in love!
Wow, I got engrossed reading the articles here and all the readers comment. My husband is 33 years older than me. He’s a Christian, very good looking, never been married, never had children anywhere, does not smoke, is allergic to alcohol so he does not even drink beer, does not gamble and definitely not a womaniser. All these characteristics of an ideal husband, I found in him. He’s single, I am single, we share the same values & religion and he’s sincere with his intentions with me, so I said yes! We’ve been married for 4 years now and we were blessed with two sweet girls.
I would agree that age is just a number in the relationship. We know most people raised eyebrows or perhaps accused him to be just using me as his caregiver or maid but truth is, he is not! He shares with household chores, washes dishes, cooks, mops the floor and even help change the diaper of our babies. Filipinas that are married to older foreigners are also stereotyped of being gold diggers – which is just not fair. I have a Bachelors degree in Information Technology and I have a decent job when I met my husband and I was certainly not after his money. I know many Filipinas with foreign husband who are well-educated or have decent jobs and earning a living for themselves. I wouldn’t deny that there are gold diggers out there but isn’t it the same in the states or any other country?